Camilla or the Duchess of Cornwall was on some official duty today in the UK. But the path of love didn’t always run so smoothly for the previously married wife of the future King of England.
Because back in the day, she was married to someone else and so was Prince Charles. Whilst looking at these pictures of Camilla feeding the pony which is British slang for er, self-pleasuring, I couldn’t help but think of her and Charles’ infamous phone sex tape from back in ’89. Which I have copied and pasted the full transcript of below for you to chuckle over as you’re having your bedtime milk. Because sometimes, no matter how rich and privileged you are, you can’t always get what you want- not right away anyway.
Full Transcript of a telephone conversation between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles- the then 45-year-old wife of a bridadier.
The six minute bedtime conversation is said to be recorded by a scanner user on December 18th 1989. There are also reports that in fact the conversationwas recorded by MI5 at GCHQ and re-broadcasted several times in the hope a scanner user would record it and leak it to the papers. There are also reports that in fact 27 other similar tapes exist in the MI5 vaults.
The tape begins a small way though the conversation and lasts six minutes until Charles hangs the phone up.
Charles: He was a bit anxious actually
Camilla: Was he?
Charles: He thought he might of gone too far.
Camilla: Ah well.
Charles: Anyway you know that’s the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one’s way along with – if you know what I mean.
Camilla: Mmmm. You’re awfully good feeling your way along.
Charles: Oh Stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out…
Charles: Particularly in and out!
Camilla: Oh. that’s just what I need at the moment.
Charles: Is it?
(At this point the scanner enthusiast speaks over the couple to record the date Scanner Enthusiast: December 18th )
Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can’t bear a Sunday night without you.
Charles: Oh, God.
Camilla: It’s like that programme Start the Week. I can’t start the week without you.
Charles: I fill up your tank!
Camilla: Yes, you do
Charles: Then you can cope.
Camilla: Then I’m all right
Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
Camilla: Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
Charles: Oh. God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
Camilla: (laughing) “what are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?
Camilla: Oh, You’re your’e going to come back as a pair of knickers.
Charles: Or, God forbid a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
Camilla: You are a complete idiot (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.
Charles: My luck to be chucked down the lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.
Camilla: (Laughing) Oh, Darling!
Charles: Until the next one comes through.
Camilla: Oh, perhaps you could come back as a box.
Charles: What sort of box?
Camilla: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
Charles: That’s true.
Camilla: Repeating yourself…(Laughing) Oh, darling I just want you now.
Charles: Do You?
Camilla: Mmmmm Charles: So do I!
Camilla: Desperately, desperately. Oh, I thought of you so much at Yaraby.
Charles: Did you?
Camilla: Simply mean we couldn’t be there together.
Charles: Desperate. If you could be here – I long to ask Nancy sometimes.
Camilla: Why don’t you?
Charles: I daren’t
Camilla: Because I think she’s in love with you.
Camilla: She’d do anything you asked.
Charles: She’d tell all sorts of people.
Camilla: No, she wouldn’t because she’d be much too frightened of what you might say to her. I think you’ve got – I’m afraid it’s a terrible thing to say – but I think , you know, those sort of people do feel very strongly about you. You’ve got such a hold over her.
Camilla: And you’re….. I think, as usual, you’re underestimating yourself.
Charles: But she might be terribly jealous or something.
Camilla: Oh! (Laughs) Now that’s a point! I wonder, she might be, I suppose.
Charles: You never know, do you?
Camilla: No, The little green eyed monster might be lurking inside her. No, But I mean the thing is your’e so good when people are so flattered to be taken into your confidence, but I don’t know they’d betray you. You know, real friends.
Camilla: I don’t (Pause)
Camilla: Gone to sleep?
Charles: No, I’m here.
Camilla: Darling, listen I talked to David tonight again. It might not be any good.
Charles: Oh, no!! Camilla: I’ll tell you why. He’s got these children of one of those Crawley girls and their nanny staying. He’s going. I’m going to ring him again tomorrow. He’s going to try and out them off till Friday. But as an alternative, perhaps I might ring up Charlie.
Camilla: And see if we could do it there. I know he is back on Thursday.
Charles: It’s quite a lot further away.
Camilla: Oh, is it?
Charles: Well, I’m just trying to think. coming from Newmarket. Camilla: Coming from Newmarket to me at that time of night, you could probably do it in two and three quarters, It takes me three.
Charles: What to go to, Um, Bowood?
Charles: To go to Bowood?
Camilla: To go to Bowood would be the same as the same as me really, wouldn’t it?
Charles: I mean to say, you would suggest going to Bowood, uh?
Camilla: No, not at all.
Charles: Which Charlie then?
Camilla: What Charlie do you think I was talking about?
Charles: I didn’t know, because I thought you meant…..
Camilla: I’ve got lots….
Charles: Somebody else.
Camilla: I’ve got lots of friends called Charlie.
Charles: The other one, Patty’s.
Camilla: Oh! Oh!, There! Oh that is further away. They’re not….
Charles: They’ve gone…..
Camilla: I don’ know. it’s just, you know, just a thought I had, If it fell through, the other place.
Charles: Oh, Right. What do you do? Go on the M25 then down the M4 is it?
Camilla: Yes, you go, um, and sort of Royston or M11, at that time of night.
Charles: Yes, well, that’ll be just after shooting anyway.
Camilla: So it would be, um, you’d miss the worst of the traffic. Because I’ll er…. You see the problem is I’ve got to be in London tomorrow night.
Charles: Yes Camilla: Would you believe it? Because, I don’t know what he’s doing. He’s shooting down here or something. but, darling, you wouldn’t be able to ring me anyway, would you?
Charles: I might just, I mean, tomorrow night I could have done.
Camilla: Oh Darling, I can’t bear it. How could you have done tomorrow night?
Charles: Because I’ll be (Yawns) working on the next speech.
Camilla: Oh no, what’s the next one?
Charles: A Business in The Community one, rebuilding communities
Camilla: Oh no, when’s that for?
Charles: A rather important one for Wednesday.
Camilla: Well at least I’ll be behind you.
Charles: I know.
Camilla: Can I have a copy of the one you’ve just done?
Camilla: Can I? um, I would like it.
Charles: OK, I’ll try and organize it.
Camilla: Darling Charles: But I, oh God, when am I going to speak to you?
Camilla: I can’t bear it… Umm…….
Charles: Wednesday night?
Camilla: Oh, certainly Wednesday night. I’ll be alone, um, Wednesday, you know, the evening. Or Tuesday. while you’re rushing around doing things I’ll be, you know, alone until it reappears. And early Wednesday morning, I mean, he’ll be leaving at half past eight, quarter past eight. he won’t be here Thursday, pray God. Um, that ambulance strike, it’s a terrible thing to say this, I suppose it won’t have come to an end by Thursday,
Charles: It will have done?
Camilla: Well, I mean I hope for everybody’s sake it will have done, but I hope for our sakes it’s still going on.
Camilla: Well, because if it stops he’ll come down here on Thursday night.
Charles: Oh no. Camilla: Yes, but I don’t think it will stop, do you?
Charles: No, neither do I. just our luck.
Camilla: It just would be our luck, I know.
Charles: Then it’s bound to.
Camilla: No it won’t. You mustn’t think like that. You must think positive.
Charles: I’m not very good at that.
Camilla: Well I’m going to. Because if I don’t, I’d despair. (Pause) Hmmm – gone to sleep?
Charles: No, How maddening.
Camilla: I know, Anyway, I mean he’s doing his best to change it, David . But I just thought, you know, I might ask Charlie.
Charles: Did he say anything?
Camilla: No, I hav’nt talked to him.
Charles: You havn’t?
Camilla: Well I talked to him briefly, but you know, I just thought I – I just don’t know whether he’s got any children at home, that’s the worry.
Camilla: Oh, Darling. I think I’ll ………….
Charles: Pray just Pray.
Camilla: It would be so wonderful to have just one night to set us on our way, wouldn’t it?
Charles: Wouldn’t it? To wish you a Happy Christmas.
Camilla: (Indistinct) Happy. Oh, don’t let’s think about Christmas. I can’t bear it. (Pause) Going to go to sleep ? I think you’d better, don’t you darling?
Charles: (Sleepy) Yes, Darling?
Camilla: Will you ring me when you wake up?
Charles: Yes I will.
Camilla: Before I have these rampaging children around. It’s Tom’s birthday tomorrow. (Pause) You all right?
Charles: Mmm. I’m all right. Camilla: Can I talk to you, I hope, before those rampaging children….
Charles: What time do they come in?
Camilla: Well usually Tom never wakes up at all, but as it’s his birthday tomorrow he might just stagger out of bed. It won’t be before half past eight. (Pause) Night, night, my darling.
Camilla: I do love you.
Charles: (Sleepily) Before…
Camilla: Before half past eight.
Charles: Try and ring?
Camilla: Yeah, if you can. Love you darling.
Charles: Night, Darling
Camilla: I love you.
Charles: I love you too. I don’t want to say goodbye.
Camilla: Well done for doing that. You’re a clever old thing. An awfully good brain lurking there, isn’t there? Oh, darling, I think you ought to give the brain a rest now. Night, Night.
Charles: Night darling, God bless.
Camilla: I do love you and I’m so proud of you.
Charles: Oh, I’m so proud of you.
Camilla: Don’t be silly. I’ve never achieved anything.
Charles: You’re greatest achievement is to love me.
Camilla: Oh, darling easier than falling off a chair.
Charles: You suffer all these indignities and tortures and calumnies. Camilla: Oh, darling don’t be so silly I’d suffer anything for you. That’s love. It’s the strength of love. Night, night.
Charles: Night darling. Sounds if you’re dragging an enormous piece of string behind you, with hundreds of tin pots and cans attached to it. Night night, before the battery goes. (Blows kiss) Night.
Camilla: Love you.
Charles: Don’t want to say goodbye.
Camilla: Neither do I, but you must get some sleep, Bye.
Charles: Bye, darling.
Camilla: Love you.
Camilla: Hopefully talk to you in the morning.
Camilla: Bye, I do love you.
Camilla: Love you forever
Camilla: G’bye. bye my darling.
Charles: Night. Camilla: Night, night.
Camilla: Bye bye.
Camilla: Bye, Press the button.
Charles: Going to press the tit.
Camilla: All right darling, I wish you were pressing mine.
Charles: God, I wish I was, Harder and harder.
Camilla: Oh, darling.
Charles: Love you.
Camilla: (Yawning) Love you. Press the tit.
Charles: Adore you. Night.
Camilla: (Blows a kiss)
Camilla: G’night my darling, Love you.
Charles then finally hangs up the phone….