Ugh it's racing fashion season. I'll be needing an extra cup of bile in the moarning to deal with the matchy matchy suits, shoes, hats and gloves. Even the over-the-top hats annoy the sh*t out of me. That won't stop me laughing at the ladies and sundry who showed up at Cheltenham this week to out-do each other.

The races is an opportunity for the working class girl and the trashy party gal to be a lady for a day, and for the well-to-do lady to look down her noses at them whilst balancing an over-priced flying saucer on her head. The fact that Camilla's melting equine visage is paraded around where we would have probably seen Diana's (no doubt botoxed but beautiful) face is a pain that never dulls. Let's address the accessory-related commotion. [caption id="attachment_2607" align="aligncenter" width="387" caption="Treacherous evil snake woman..."][/caption] Adding insult to injury the Duchess of Cornwall attended Cheltenham in a super hiddy fur hat and an antique pin given to Diana by the Queen Mother at her wedding as a gift from Charles (he couldn't buy something himself?). Let's see, do any commoners show up to an event in their husband's dead ex-wife's jewelry? [caption id="attachment_2608" align="aligncenter" width="298" caption="Diana liked to mix that sh*t up, wearing the brooch on a chain. GOK would be proud."][/caption] Maybe on f*cking EASTENDERS. Camilla paid for her act of bitchery when she looked on as one of her own kind had a horrid fall. The horse is reported to be doing well. [caption id="attachment_2609" align="aligncenter" width="306" caption="The bejewelled horse and the couture rabbit."][/caption] Over-shadowed by the gorgeous and considerbaly non-horse-faced Kate Middleton, you can't help but feel sorry for poor old Zara Philips. She had to marry DOWN, and only the Hurrah Crowd are interested in her movements and wardrobe. Zara made two appearances at Cheltenham in nice coats and hats. If Kate had worn same, websites would be crashing all over the 'nets, and designers and milleners would be putting down-payments on beach front Bahamas real estate. [caption id="attachment_2610" align="aligncenter" width="346" caption="Kate is a good sport who married royalty, Zara is royalty so had to marry sport - go figure."][/caption] On to the real pee-peel. Feathers and flowers and felt and fur - we have months of this ahead of us between weddings and races. We might as well have a chuckle at their expense. They ASKED for attention - maybe not an acid tongue lashing but negative attention is attention, right? [caption id="attachment_2611" align="aligncenter" width="311" caption="'Coco Chanel you are needed for an accessory intervention in the ladies toilets in the main bar'"][/caption] Colour matchy-matchy-ing aside, this lady seems to have taken Coco Chanel's advice, 'When accessorising, always take off the last thing you put on..', and gone in the opposite direction. [caption id="attachment_2612" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Getting photographed is a feather in her cap, but no one has a clue who she is."][/caption] It would make sense if it was a functional straw to skim drinks. Otherwise this looks ridiculous. [caption id="attachment_2613" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Mummy says we should always coordinate, but not like those awful Beckhums."][/caption] Overprivileged and dull with dead animals on their heads - must be the upper classes. [caption id="attachment_2614" align="aligncenter" width="488" caption="Global accessory shortage feared"][/caption] These three obviously got carried away with a retro fetish and went full tilt '40s frenzy. [caption id="attachment_2615" align="aligncenter" width="306" caption="Great way to cover a bad wig"][/caption] Naomi debuts her hat line made from the shreds of her dignity and former assistants. [caption id="attachment_2616" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Available two-to-a-penny at Debenhams"][/caption] This hat is a barometer of taste. If you don't hate it, learn to. [caption id="attachment_2617" align="aligncenter" width="488" caption="Hot pink is racing camouflage."][/caption] Interesting, a flying saucer got caught in some bushes on the moors and was happened upon by a drag queen with a tin of spray paint. [caption id="attachment_2618" align="aligncenter" width="405" caption="A student, yesterday"][/caption] This is either a peaceful protest or a 10-year-old's art project. [caption id="attachment_2619" align="aligncenter" width="306" caption="'Oh dear, it's to early in the season for florals, how vulgar'"][/caption] God bless Coleen Rooney's mum for trying to fit in with the old money. [caption id="attachment_2620" align="aligncenter" width="488" caption="Line up the shots, we have the morning off tomorrow!"][/caption] Janice on reception, far right, booked a team building day off for all the girls at Thomas Cook. [caption id="attachment_2622" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Finally, pink looks that work"][/caption] Thank the Lord for the gays. Would you look at these two? So adorable and the only people looking food in pink in a 5 mile radius. [caption id="attachment_2621" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Anyone else find the jockey uniforms far more interesting than the racing fashion?"][/caption]

About Aisling O'Connor

Aisling is an Irish fashion, pop culture and lifestyle writer whose work can be seen in Harpers Bazaar, The Atlantic, The Daily Mail and The Independent's Irish edition and many others. With a unique sartorial perspective, she strives to translate high fashion and street style into accessible looks - and savage often ridiculous celebrity stylings as a matter of public service.
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  1. BOHOMOTH says:

    f-cking genius Shiny. You need some kind of writing award! Never ever ever ever leave meeeee!

  2. beta says:

    haha the long feather is hilarious XD
    umm, is that naomi campbel?? she needs to easy up on the eyebrows

  3. WTF says:

    i do NOT get the whole fascinator thing the goal to buy and wear THE ugliest hat ??

  4. Juju says:

    We all watch ANTM. Zara looks like she’s ‘smizing’ at the horse falling over, or whatever, couldn’t even be bothered reading what happened she bores me so… she could wear all the money in the world & still look blah. & up yours Camilla for wearing that brooch.

  5. Patty Anne says:

    Rememer the contest you just held “What celeb would you select to dress” ? I’d select every darned one of these people. I’ve never seen worse dressed adults in my life before, at least a young toddler can say they don’t know better….yikes! I bet Camilla was faunching at her bit to get into that horse race.

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