Hey you guys, Cheryl Cole ain’t just coming back to our eyes and ears with a new single and video, but she’s trying to crawl her way on to our feet.
We don’t know how we feel about someone who relies so heavily on a stylist sharing their taste in shoes with the masses, for profit. Oh hold on, we do. The shoes are hiddy and overpriced, and we can smell the hot glue-gun from here.
Although the boots, wedges and strappy peep-toes aren’t the cutting edge of fashion, we can see them getting the youth vote. And the chav vote. And the Abbey Clancy vote (is that the same vote technically?).
Despite sugary-sex pop names and colours, the collection is very heavy and over-designed. In the case of every shoe she needed to edit ‘her’ ideas, employing more simplicity to let the details shine.
The unfortunate result is loud shoes in pretty colours. The upside of this exclusive partnership with Stylist Picks is that we get to ‘hear’ Cheryl’s dulcet tones in ‘her’ description and advice on how to style each shoe.
So let’s have a look at the collection, shall we, dears?
Cheryl says, ‘‘If Audrey Hepburn was a Noughties woman, I think she’d love this’. Didn’t the naughties end over two years ago? When did Audrey ever give the impression in her styling that she would be partial to looking a foot higher than her kitten heels dictated?
Cheryl says, ‘‘My ultimate goes-with-everything summer boot’. Bah humbug to that. Summer is the time when the foot is set free of sweat and toe-jam. We’re told this shoe was based on a DFS couch.
Cheryl says, ”A beautiful statement sandal – the block heel is so chic and so now’. She’s right it’s so now, it’s hot off Victoria Beckham’s spring runway, which was hot off Marc Jacobs and Roland Mouret. We can see Clancey clap her hands in delight at ruining Cheryl’s and Vicky’s prized fashion careers in one WAG-tastic shot. ‘I matched the orange with the orange, with the white with the white. I wonder if Coleen did any light grey bags for Littlewoods‘.
Cheryl says, ‘I love the detail on this sandal – the tan and coral go beautifully’. Was there a deadline problem where one shoe in varied shades was presented as two separate styles? Come ON Cheryl, get the whip out and work those design monkeys. We can’t help so far but feel worried about the visible scuff factor of this entire collection. These finishes and colours are mighty fine for women whose feet go from a chauffeur driven car to a marble floored hotel or department store and never enter public toilets or queue at a bar for a Fat Frog.
Cheryl says, ‘A glitter wedge with edge!’ Peep-toe, wedge, slingback, ankle-strap, tassel bow tie AND glitter effect. I am exhausted trying to take this shoe in AND it comes disguised as three styles.
Cheryl says, ‘Classic but edgy – the glitter wedge is just gorgeous’. AKA FIZZ BLUE
Cheryl says, ‘Love this super versatile shoe – it’s an easy way to get instant glam’. AKA FIZZ BROWN
Cheryl says, ‘Love the blush and copper… this is my ultimate glam shoe!‘ And she is excited about it! We can’t get too excited about a shoe you can get in virtually every shop at any budget. This is the one shoe that we think really shows a lack of quality in manufacture that caused all the drama with the previous collection.
Cheryl says, ‘Ladylike and elegant, with gorgeous detailing’. If by ladylike you mean boob-gunned Austin Powers Fembots.
The pricing is really weird eh? Is the costing by weight like a kilo of bananas? Also this is not really a nine-piece collection, it’s five in different colours.
The consumer will ultimately vote with plastic. Cheryl Cole for Stylist Pick launches today exclusively online for signed-up members: stylistpick.com/cheryl-cole
We loves Cheryl but we hope she sticks to busting a move on stage and flashing that smile and dimples in future.