For anyone thinking that the former bride of Scientology must live the life of Riley now she’s free of Tom Thumb Cruise and can get her mitts on Suri’s trust fund and spank it hard, well look at this picture and think again.
There’s nothing more annoying and embarrassing than your child kicking off and acting like Count Bratula in public.
Back in the days of yore, a swift clip around the ear with a hissed ‘Wait ’till I get you home’ and a long, hard stare (or a sneaky pinch on the arm as my Auntie used to do to us in church for kicking the pews in front- the bish) did the trick, but when you’re Katie Holmes and followed everywhere by an army of paparazzi, none of the above options are available.
Instead, with Superstorm Suri brewing in front of her, the only thing she can really do is pull the ‘yoinks’ horrified face she used to do in Dawsons Creek whenever Michelle Williams’ character suggested drinking a root beer, sharing a cigarette and maybe even snogging a boy.
Fully aware of the paps snapping away and the possibility of the Charlie’s Angels style speakerphone box in her sitting room crackling into life with the voice of dad of the year Tom Cruise doing his remote parenting from London and chastising Katie for not letting Suri do whatever the hell she wants (it actually says in a Scientology parenting guide that it is ‘NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS’ with regard to the discipline of your child), the two adults try to laugh Xenu’s child into submission.
No such luck. I’m kind of amazed that at this point Suri’s head didn’t start spinning around as she vomited on Katie or something. (I’m kidding, I know all too well that all six-year-olds have their charming moments like this).
But! – there’s one tiny ray of light in all this.
Last week Katie tellingly revealed to the New York Times : ‘I still think of myself as Midwestern.
‘I mean, I’ve had box wine. It’s good. And it’s a lot easier to open.’
Yep, because there’s some days when all you want to do is get that alcohol open as fast as you can and get it down your throat rather than fiddle around with bottle openers.
‘Might be an idea if Katie doesn’t rent the Exorcist to wind down with that wine once her little darling’s finally tucked up in bed.