Thanksgiving came early for shoppers at Dillard’s department store in Tampa, Florida who received a visit from a rotund festive turkey in the form of a real-life walkin’, talkin’ and wavin’ (all at the same time!) Jessica Simpson over the weekend.
Jumbo Jess isn’t just raking in millions for pretending to have lost weight on the Weight Watchers diet and acting like she’s the only person to have ever given birth, her action plan seemingly being to just tell people she’s lost weight while not looking all that different, hoping she hypnotises us all into thinking she’s thinner.
The 32-year-old reality star-turned singer-turned fashion designer has also been busy pushing her Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife Beth-sized tits at customers when they ask her if it’s true her dad’s gay now to distract them while punting her clothing and shoe line to people with no fashion sense whatsoever in America and beyond.
And, depressingly, despite the fact that she doesn’t even bother to brush her teeth every day: “I don’t brush them everyday. I’ll use a shirt or something … I know it’s gross, but I always have fresh breath” she once told Ellen Degeneres, her clothing designs have been snapped up by shoppers desperate to look like Jessica/ Christina Aguilera in their droves and she’s now worth over $100 million.
So want to have a laugh at some of her designs?
My eyes are still hurting from scanning Dillard’s website and attempting to take in the collection.
But in a nutshell, some poor designer has had to forget everything they learned while studying fashion design at University and imagine they are Jessica and then come up with the sort of thing she’d wear for a date preceding sexy time and the big O, as she calls it, with Eric Johnson.
If you like sequins and cheap-looking dresses with one-shoulder then you’re in luck.
Jessica Simpson one-shoulder sequin dress $148
Another Jessica Simpson one-shoulder sequin dress $148
Jessica Simpson one-shoulder dress without sequins $118
Then, after designing lots more one shoulder dresses with and without sequins the designer collapsed in floods of tears on her sketchbook and tattered dreams of one day working for a couture house in Paris, did several shots of tequila, thought: ‘F-ck it’ and came up with this.
Jessica Simpson lace boatneck dress $82.80