TAKING THE BISCUIT: KATE MIDDLETON’S ON THE MEND AS HER BABY’S (OR BABIES?) SET TO MAKE GREAT BRITAIN (AND HER FAMILY) A FORTUNE

 

Tired but happy: A smiling William leaves Kate's hospital yesterday evening after she was said to be feeling betterAw look. After a hugely stressful few days, Prince William’s finally managed to raise a smile after learning that his wife Catherine has turned the corner after being admitted to the King Edward VII hospital in London with Hyperemesis gravidarum(HG) on Monday.

It has transpired that always the bridesmaid never-the-bride Pippa Middleton and eternal bachelor and happy to be so thank you very much Prince Harry will be named as the Godparents to the future heir to the throne – per tradition as they were best man and chief bridesmaid at the wedding.

As if the poor child doesn’t already have enough on it’s (silver) plate to contend with before it’s even emerged from it’s mother’s womb.

Imagine?

P-Middy will be forcing the poor thing to do apple bobbing, eating donuts from bits of string hanging from a tree and other dull, unimaginative party games when she’s babysitting when all it will want to do is go for a Happy Meal at McDonalds.

And, ‘Wales’ as his army pals or ‘Spike’ as his personal protection officers and toff hangers-on call him, will have ensured that his Godchild’s done it’s first Jägerbomb and smoked it’s first bong by the age of five (well he started drinking at eleven so some time around that age anyway) .

Expectant mother: Kate (pictured), was driven to the hospital on Monday by Prince William

Apparently, despite initial panic at Kate’s dramatic hospital dash from her parent’s mansion in Bucklebury on Monday, the fact that she’s suffering HG has an underlying silver-lining – which is that medics say it’s a sign that the pregnancy’s progressing well.

It’s thought to be caused by a sudden spike in hormone levels which is why it’s often more common in women expecting multiple pregnancies.

Expectant mother: Kate (pictured at the Natural History Museum in London last week), was driven to the hospital on Monday by Prince William

If the pregnancy was as a result of IVF and timed carefully to coincide with the end of an extremely successful year from a PR point of view for the Royal family and Great Britain then not only could it be likely that Catherine’s expecting twins, they also could have pre-selected the sex.

So that would mean… A boy? A boy and a girl per their wish? I’m sure Kate’s not to posh to push, but I bet she’s too posh to put on pregnancy weight more than once.

This is pure speculation on my part of course but as I keep saying, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are raking in much-needed MILLIONS in tourism money from across the globe for the United Kingdom.

And, we had the wedding last year, the Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics and Paralympics this year, a bonny baby being dangled over the balcony at Buckingham Palace next June and the Christening, then of course Charles’ Coronation perhaps in 2014 and maybe another baby for Wills and Kate in, say, 2015.

Lots to look forward to. And much to celebrate. Not least for the Middletons – who have made millions (their new Georgian mansion is worth £4.6 million, they moved from their four-bed cottage earlier this year) in selling street party bunting and other tat from their website for the normals to fete their daughter’s life choices.

Lucky Harry’s sliding down the throne succession line- leaving him free to bang as much posh totty as he likes and get hammered with Guy Pelly and co. at Boujis, shoot guns in Afghanistan under the guise of working tirelessly for granny, then show his face wearing his army regalia which has been carefully ironed and laid out on his bed for him by a butler and smile and wave whenever there’s an official family ‘do’ to attend.

What a life eh? – I bet he’s chuffed he was the second-born in that family.

Still, he sent a message from the front line to Catherine which read:  ’Get well soon, sis’.

Short and to the point I suppose, but I’m convinced that he texted this to her with a sad smiley at the end.

Speculation: Rumours abounded in September that the Duchess might have been expecting when the royal couple visited Singapore as part of an official tour and chinked glasses of iced water at a gala reception

The House of Windsor has not been this popular on a worldwide scale EVER thanks to our expectant couple and, rather than being some sad, rainy island populated by grey-looking people with bad dentistry, suddenly Britannia’s cool again.

And, that’s all thanks to the daughter of a British Airways air hostess from Berkshire who was initially deemed by the stuffy Royals not aristocratic enough to bear a future monarch.

Perhaps Wills and Kate’s baby was conceived in the dizzy heights of passion while they were staying in a candlelit hut in the Solomon Islands with no room service and TV so they got it ON and it’s the most romantic thing ever.

And, after almost twelve years together there can be no doubt that they are indeed deeply in love, but oh to be a fly on the wall in certain behind-closed-doors meetings with only a few carefully-chosen attendees at Clarence House eh?

On a final note, the two most hilarious things I’ve seen as the world goes wild over a woman being up the duff is America’s FOX NEWS running with the headline that Kate had a ‘biscuit’ in the oven, (guys, it’s ‘bun’) on Monday and some wag on twitter suggesting that the couple name their child ‘Legoland’, as it’s surname would be Windsor.

Legoland Windsor. Brilliant. Do it Kate, do it for your country, do it for the comedy factor.


 

 

 

About Jen Paul (BOHOMOTH)

Jenny Paul is a veteran showbiz reporter who is based in Cannes in the south of France. She has worked on major breaking news stories over the past decade and more for entertainment news outlets worldwide including: Us Weekly (USA), People magazine (USA), E! News (USA) ABC News (USA), The New York Post (USA), The Sun (UK), The Mirror (UK), The Daily Mail, (UK), The Mail on Sunday (UK) and many others too numerous to mention. She firmly believes that love, truth, hugs, dogs and the power of laughter make the world a better place.
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11 Responses to TAKING THE BISCUIT: KATE MIDDLETON’S ON THE MEND AS HER BABY’S (OR BABIES?) SET TO MAKE GREAT BRITAIN (AND HER FAMILY) A FORTUNE

  1. Bundle says:

    Please Boho learn how to use apostrophes properly. It’s driving me nuts. Possessive its (as in belonging to, like “its (silver) plate”, “its mother’s womb”, “Its first”) is NOT spelled “it’s (silver) plate”, “it’s mother’s womb”, “It’s first” (twice). The possessive apostrophe in “parents’ house” goes AFTER the plural s, not before it as you did in “parent’s house”. The way you punctuate it is wrong as it then means there is only one parent, rather than two parents.

    So maybe before you criticise the Americans for getting their British idioms wrong, you should learn to use your own language properly …

    Pretty poor for a journalist.

    • Fifie says:

      Bundle – I agree. Continued misuse of the apostrophe just reinforces the incorrect use in readers’ minds.

      • Shiny says:

        Boho’s got excellent grammar. Sometimes doing two jobs results in oversights. Get over it kids. FOX has an army of staff.

        • twiggy twiggy says:

          The fact that FOX has that army of staff and yet lets bullshit spew from the mouth of Karl Rove scares the living fuck out of me. (Thank gawd they have muzzled him. Next up: Sarah Palin.)

    • Ant0scar says:

      Strictly speaking, Middleton was born of the jackal, therefore only has one parent, hence “parent’s” is spot on. #keepingitreal…

    • BOHOMOTH says:

      Strictly speaking I’m a reporter and we just let the sub-editors worry about things like that. We’re far too busy and important getting the stories to spend hours pouring over copy, because the facts make a story not the little commas in the air.

      Do you know how many words I write on average a day? Not just on this site- on articles filed elsewhere?… To give you a hint, just one I wrote in an hour last night that wasn’t for this site was 1200 words.

      So I apologise if my grammar isn’t up to your exacting standards but I shall endeavour to always place importance on correct apostrophe placement in future.

      And, Americans are allowed to say Catherine has a ‘biscuit’ in the oven and I’m allowed to fully rip the p-ss out of them for it.

      That, my love, is how the ‘cookie’ crumbles ’round these parts.

  2. paramount says:

    Perhaps, but she is sharper than Fox News by a kilometer.

  3. Vee says:

    American here – it’s bun, bun in the oven. ;-)

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