The Hound’s a jolly babysitter, isn’t he?
I do love the way he told Arya a few timely facts of life after she tried and failed to bash his head in with a big rock: Namely that some men like to “beat little girls” and “some men that like to rape them”.
The pair are heading to Edmure Tulley’s wedding to the Frey girl at The Twins in the hopes that The Hound will get gold from Robb Stark for her safe return and Arya gets her happy ever after.
Please let that happen, but I fear the only smile we’ll see from Arya for a while is the one as she sat on the Hound’s horse as they rode off slowly into the distance.
The Khaleesi had an interesting episode.
She met up with local sellswords ‘The Second Sons’ in the hopes of getting them to fight for her rather than with the Yunkai slaver with guy liner from last week (who’s already paid them).
The best bit of course was a bit of sapphic tension later in the bath where Missandei soaps a naked Dany down before the handsome Second Son Daario Naharis (Ed Skrein) bursts in to the tent, takes Missandei by the throat and announces he’s beheaded his fellow Captains. He charmingly dumps their heads on the floor of her tent and then pledges allegiance to the mother of dragons as she gives viewers a full frontal as she rises from the bath.
I’m not sure if seeing her with her kit off helped in the decision-making process here but Daarios was explaining earlier to said killed Captains that beauty is one of “two things worth fighting for” and that “f-cking a woman who wants to be f-cked” is one of life’s few pleasures, along with killing a man that wants to kill you.
Over in Storm’s End, Stannis welcomes home Melissandre and she welcomes Gendry into her dark and full of terrors-filled vagina.
In an odd scene she shags Gendry with the sexy line ‘come fight death with me’ then just as he’s getting into it she puts leeches all over his suddenly-handcuffed-to-the-bed naked body (including his manhood) in order to extract that powerful King’s blood pumping through his veins.
Stannis and a newly-freed and forgiven (so long as he doesn’t raise his hand to Melissandre) Ser Davos waltz in to the bedroom and the former pops the blood-filled leeches on the fire – supposedly putting a curse on Joffrey, Balon Greyjoy and Robb Stark as each explodes.
Will the Lord of Light get them all first or will someone else, I wonder?
Over at King’s Landing perhaps the most uncomfortable wedding of all time unfolded between Sansa and Tyrion.
The groom got absolutely hammered, Joffrey was vile (of course – I love Jack Gleeson, such a brilliant actor) and took every opportunity to taunt both Sansa and Tyrion, while Tywin tried to keep them all under control.
Littlefinger’s prediction all that time ago that Joffrey’s not the sort of boy to give up his playthings was bang on the nail.
Joffrey (as ‘father of the realm’) insisted on giving Sansa away, reminding her that her father couldn’t, and then he removed a stool that Tyrion was going to use to throw a cloak over his new wife during the ceremony causing everyone to laugh as he struggled to reach her shoulders.
Then at the reception Joffrey took the blushing bride to one side and threatened to rape and impregnate her (gruesomely promising that his two King’s Guard would hold her down) after his Uncle had passed out later that night.
Later though there was a fabulous moment where Tyrion angrily stabbed the table with his knife after Joffrey insisted on the bedding ceremony in front of the wedding guests and threatened him, “You’ll be f—ing your own bride with a wooden cock”.
Tywin stepped in and smoothed things over with a “Your Uncle is clearly quite drunk, Your Grace” but Joffrey’s trantrum was spectacular.
Another brilliant moment was Cersei cutting Loras Tyrell off after he started a “my father used to say” type rumination with a curt, “nobody cares what your father used to say”.
She also had some very choice words for his sister Margaery after she tried to buddy up to her with the ‘we’re going to be sisters soon’ speech she gave Sansa a few episodes ago.
Cersei, of course, is far more difficult to win over than the new Mrs. Tyrion Lannister was.
And, after pointedly telling a story about the last family that tried to social climb their way above the Lannisters (their bodies rotted on the walls outside Casterly Rock for an entire ‘long’ summer), Cersei added, “If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”
The Queen of Thorns explaining the family tree during the wedding was another great moment, (I think that Loras will end up being Margaery’s father-in-law?).
Finally beyond the wall, Samwell killed a White Walker (the one that screeched at him way back when) that wanted to eat Gilly’s baby using that knife he found a while back.
The CGI-created (and awfully done) White shattered into smithereens and Gilly, Samwell and her baby ran off into the night. The issue I have with this is that in the dead of night in the snow and ice if the Walkers, wolves and elements didn’t finish them off they’d likely skid on the ice and break their necks. I’m not sure why he didn’t pick the magical White Walker killing knife up, either.
All in all it wasn’t as exciting an episode as I was expecting that it would be (although as ever Peter Dinklage as Tyrion was fantastic), but I’m hoping that the last two of the season make up for that.
Unfortunately, Game of Thrones takes a break next weekend (due to a holiday in the US) and it’s going to be a long two weeks until episode 9.
Hopefully by then Dany will be having it every which way she can with Daario.
I know I would.
Here’s a peek at episode 9