A round-up of some of the week’s stories that kept us awake at night…
So, how was it for you? Was your Christmas holiday filled with the usual spate of blackouts, tears, over-eating, family feuds and vague office-party-memories-of-disjointed-conversations-with-people-you-hate? Oh, just me then. As a result, I have decided that 2013 is going to be the year I channel my inner-diva; I am going to emulate those perfectly poised people (see Liberty Ross, Gwen Stefani, Anna Wintour, etc.) who never seem to fall over, lose their tempers or get papped mid-gurn. As you’d expect, many divas were out and about over the holidays, with varying degrees of success on the diva-fierceness scale: I think I may need to re-visit my opinion on some of them as the year progresses…
…like Beyoncé – what the hell is going on? She used to be the woman who could sing like Callas, dance like Jackson and act like, well, a pretty mediocre actress. But above all, the girl was (*adopts Nicole Scherzinger voice*) sha-may-zing when it came to glamour and fashion. And now this? Believe it or not, this is the outfit that Beyoncé wore in Las Vegas to ring in the New Year. It can’t only be me who thinks she bears more than a passing resemblance to a homeless, wig-wearing Tracey Emin impersonator let loose in a second-hand clothes shop where “Thriller” plays over the Tannoy, can it? Seriously, if this is bootilicious then I am bootiblind. No wonder Jay-Z hot-footed it to the other side of the continent to ring in 2013 with Coldplay; even Blue Ivy hid. I just hope girlfriend remembers how to werk it by the time her half-time Superbowl gig comes along early next month.
Someone else who recently got it spectacularly wrong in the fashion stakes is horse-face Leona Lewis. Now, I apologise in advance, but I never considered her a real diva, despite the world bestowing her with that title. Yes, she can sing, but she has all the allure of a used tea-bag and I would comfortably predict that contracting genital warts would be more fun than hanging out with her. Here she is on New Year’s Eve in Beijing, wearing something that makes her look like the illegitimate granddaughter of Demis Roussos in a Barbara Cartland cast-off. Seriously, Leona probably weighs about half a gram, but this outfit makes her look like she is Jessica Simpson’s dietician. Given that her last single failed to even break the top 200, I predict the beginning-of-the-end for Ms. Lewis. Missed that one too, didn’t you, Mayans? #solastyear
Contrast that with someone whose star is most certainly in the ascendancy. Check out Lourdes who, at 16, has totally nailed the glam-skiing look. I mean, she’s only 16 and she’s already got just one name: D-I-V-A! Here she is snowboarding in Gstaad earlier this week, totes embarrassing her mother on the slopes. As Lourdes perfected her aerial ollies with grace and ease, Madge resembled a geriatric penguin with a neurological disorder as she tried to find some traction on the ice. Maybe this is the year that the diva tiara finally starts to be passed from mother to daughter?
I think we all agree that Cheryl Cole has diva potential, but what about her band-mates? Well, I don’t think Kimberley Walsh and Nicola Roberts are true divas yet, but here’s a fact: I’d rather go for a night out with them than with the former Tweedy. Look at the two of them here, caning it big time. Whilst Cheryl probably spent her New Year’s Eve measuring out her weekly mung bean allowance and sticking more pictures of Prince Harry to her bedroom wall, Nicola and Kimberley were spotted getting totally Mossed. That red wine looks like it’s moving quicker than their Greatest Hits album: good on ya, girls – I reckon 2013 is going to be a good one for you.
Finally, I bring you a tale of a true diva, in fact maybe the last true diva. To slightly digress, I thought the television schedule over Christmas was dreadful: there’s only so much Only Fools and Horses I can stomach. Anyway, to my great sadness, one of the most inane programmes ever created – Deal Or No Deal – featured heavily on many channels. For the uninitiated (aka, spared), this show involves members of the public opening red boxes randomly, either winning or losing money as they go. Hooked yet? It irritates me beyond belief as neither skill nor intelligence is required: this is dumbed-down-TV at its best. Anyway, over Christmas, some bright spark in television land had the idea of making a celebrity version of the show. Now, I was sure that this would feature a “star” from the Jedward/Jordan/Joey Essex stable, but no – there is a God – it was none other than Joan Collins! It didn’t matter that she ended up only winning about 10% of what she could have (for charadee, natch) – it restored my soul to see a true diva in full flight, even if it was on the most vacuous of shows. As long as there are a few of the originals still around in 2013, I just know it’s going to be a good one: Happy New Year, peeps!