If only she had a glass of rosé in one hand and a cigarette in the other all it would take would be for Madge to yell ‘While you’re down there, love’ at the man cowering at her feet cover up the fact that her sore, aged knees won’t allow her to bend down and do her own ski boots up and she’d be exactly like yours truly when I take to the ski slopes.
The 54-year-old Queen of pop must be cursing the day she allowed her kids to persuade her that a week on the ski slopes of Gstaad in Switzerland would be a good idea, as whilst she might be able to hold her own on the dance floor, learning a new skill when you’re pushing sixty in freezing temperatures does not come easy.
Clearly holding her kids back with her lack of finesse on the snow, the control freak in all other areas of her life was forced to dish out the €20 notes in lunch money and to sternly remind each of her clan not to go off-piste and to keep their cellphones on before agreeing to meet them all back at the car at the end of the day so she didn’t slow them all down and ruin their fun.
Luckily, Brahim, who grew up in Marseille – which nestles an hour away from the ski slopes of the southern French alps – was there to show Lourdes, Rocco, Mercy and David how to do it.
And by the end of the day, Lourdes was marching through the snow with not one but two snowboards to hand.
But on the nursery slopes, Madge was finally managing to stand up and go in a straight line across, not down the hill.
Next year might be best to stick to a nice relaxing sunshine beach holiday with the kids for New Year Madonna.
At least then when you spend a lot of time lying face down you stand an outside chance of it being because you’ve persuaded Brahim to wrestle you into that position.